


The Inner Workings and Philosophies of Logan Echolls' Mind. What a Complex Hell of Organized Chaos.

by veronicamarsl3ve



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 13:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1859871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veronicamarsl3ve/pseuds/veronicamarsl3ve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Logan Echolls- one of my favorite fictional characters. This fic was a story within a story for me. The reason we love him is he is so complex- just an inkling of what his mind portrays is a beautiful disaster. This is my take on his recalling of all things- memories....</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Inner Workings and Philosophies of Logan Echolls' Mind. What a Complex Hell of Organized Chaos.

**Author's Note:**

> This story actually came to me when I was writing for my multi- chapter fic. The inspiration of what Logan's take on the mind and its recall of specific instances in our lives was where it started, and well it turned into this. I still chose to keep it in in my longer fic- but each time I read it through I still saw it as an independent story, as well. Which is why I have decided to post it on its own too. I hope you enjoy it- and I appreciate you all reading it. Reviews and comments are always so wonderful, and I appreciate them. And well the title is descriptive of the story in and of itself. I could find no way to shorten it as well- it seemed only fitting for the inner workings of his mind to have a long and expressive title. It is Logan Echolls after all- right? :)

Logan:

Veronica groaned slightly, a small shiver taking over her body as she involuntarily snuggled closer. I covered her up, as I reclined back on my elbow, running my hands lightly along her back- patting her back to a deeper sleep. She would kill me if she knew how often I did this, laid awake memorizing her. I was even guilty of it long ago, before we ever dated- I would get caught up in the studying of her as her breaths rose and fall, her peacefully asleep on the Kane floor during our hang outs. She was mesmerizing- always had been. This was my secret.

My brain seemed to connect the dots of past and present as she laid next to me, deeply asleep. Veronica had never been one for rehashing the past- but me, I was afraid it haunted me. All of its glory and all of its pain- it followed me everyday. The only consistently good thing was - her. And you better believe I always focused on that.

**_The inner workings and philosophies of Logan Echolls' mind. What a complex hell of organized chaos._ **

People often discuss how you really know when someone is important to you? Romantic love aside- speaking in just human to human relations- what makes one person mean more to you than another?

Everyone has their theories- I had heard all sorts of opinions on the topic. Sure people did not go around discussing this in every day- but it came forth with casual comments, someone's likes or dislikes- just who they were in general. After all, the people you surround yourself with are like an attachment, correct? The depict you somehow? Isn't that why there are all those wise sayings of _birds of a feather_ and of _hanging with fools._ There is truth to it.

I had plenty of Psych classes where this was discussed. **_Why are we drawn to others and repulsed by another._ ** What makes someone matter to you?

I had heard it was experiences- common interests- time- some said it was purely carnal. We craved what was pleasing to our eyes and desires. I guess all of these speculations were true. But I believed what uncovered the inner secrets of your heart- the facts that showed one was laced through you like a genetic code- it was memories.

**Memories.** The word evokes so much when heard. It can be either pleasant, or horrific. It can be the most exciting of times, or the most boring. It doesn't matter- you can't control when your mind takes the snap shots- the ones cataloging your life. True, it usually innately captures the big moments- whether good or bad. But what was it about certain ordinary days, that made it remember so vividly?

I still have no answer for the question - but what I am certain of is this: Replay your life. Whoever shows up on the reel of your personal biography, the one who is always present-the one there for the good, bad and the ugly. The one who still is like an active member of your subconscious even when not present- their continuance in your life so strong that they inhabit the memories they were never existent in. When you see their face, when it zeros in on the specifics, that is when you know- _that is your person._

The flashes of detailed recalling- they inhabit our dreams, our day dreams, our free moments. The eyes may be the outward window to your soul- but these were your own personal window. There was no denying it- no running from it- the recall, the inventory of your life played before you never lied. It was like a scientific formula or calculated math- the answer was absolute. There was no way you could control the outcome, the equation that calculated the results of your always present person- you had no control of it.

I had thought about _my person_ plenty as I had spent countless hours staring at the metal ceiling of the aircraft carriers. Problem with deployments is a lot of free time for your mind to wander to these sometime curses and sometimes life savers. How many of us recall the past and want to go back- wish we could freeze and relive it. Then they pour out their poison and death, making our outcomes seem bleak- and just when you have all but given up they give a hope that keeps you carrying on. Truth was there was no moving forward without a heavy presence of the past. I knew that better than anyone. One plus one equals two, and just as that was fact so was- that Veronica leaving is what sent me on the course of flying fighter jets for my country.

Every other aspect of life was true to this theory. I acted like an entitled and spoiled brat due to the fact I was hiding a large secret: my father using me as his personal punching bag. My girlfriend died, and thus the psychotic jack ass took over. I fell in love with Veronica- softening the arrogant side, it coming back with full vengeance when I lost her. Cassidy killed our classmates and himself- almost adding Veronica to the list- the out come? We ended up back in each other's arms. I fell even deeper and when I lost her for good there was no consoling.

Veronica Mars aka _my person._ I had figured out the revelation long before she was ever back in my life. It seems out of all the people I knew and out of all the experience I encountered, that the little blonde who walked up the Kane drive - wearing knees socks and a soccer uniform- it seemed she had the destiny of being the _one_ who could never leave my mind. We didn't know it then, but we were destined for a lifetime of memories.

 

* * *

 

_The fan whipped around the Kane living room- the sound of pop corn in the microwave filling the kitchen as I reclined into the large chair. It was our intermission, so to speak, of The Princess Bride- Veronica and Lilly had insisted on watching it. Lilly had demanded pop corn come thirty minutes in and recruited her push over brother to get the drinks, and he conceded with groans of small protest._

_A whine filled the space around me, my eyes traveling to the floor where the tiny blonde cuddled into the small pillow . Seems the new comer into my life was tired. I smiled wide now as her nose scrunched in her sleep, it obvious her dream world was already alive. She had been quiet and shy- only knowing her two days. She was rather reserved compared to her best friend, but watching her now I saw an expressiveness that had been absent these few days- one I appreciated- making me curious as to what was ignited inside her dream world._

" _Stop being a perv, Logan." Lilly pushed my shoulder hard as she passed, making my hand's grip on my chin slip, my teeth clanking together._

_I didn't even have the courage to retort at the feisty blonde as her eyes narrowed at me. It was very rare that someone intimidated me, that is besides my father of course- it was because of him I had little to no fear when dealing with others. If I could face his reddened and contorted face as he screamed every form of each expletive, beating me within an inch of my life- than most were usually no threat. But Lilly- she had the same tenacity that came from a parent's lack of love, and well I had met my match. She reached for a pillow with one more glance at me before slapping her best friend with it._

" _Ronnie, wake up!" She yelled playfully, Veronica sitting straight up- all hair going every direction. Lilly busted out in proud laughter as she sat next to her, legs crossed in indian style as she leaned in like she had a secret. "Don't you know better than to fall asleep in front of boys? Logan was staring at you, all mouth open and creepy like."_

_It seems she chose to voice this secret as loud as possible and I glared as Veronica's stunned and blushing face was on me now. One thing I had learned of Lilly Kane- she didn't like it until she was in control of the situation- whatever situation it may be. I could see through the sometimes venomous side to her. She had been eying my all day by the pool, using her best efforts to gain my attention. Lilly got a thrill of seeing boys drool over, something she was use to due to her bombshell looks. At only thirteen, Lilly made the other girls in Neptune seem plain. But I refused to give her that satisfaction, at least now- I had a pride that wanted to not be just another notch on her lip stick case- not that I wanted or expected anymore than that. I just had a small sense of self worth that made me not want to give- thus her sudden jealousy of my trance locked on her petite and pretty best friend._

_Duncan collapsed on the couch now-as wild as his sister was he was that docile. I imagine it was years of her forcing the alpha position in the home that made his overly passive side. Describing his sister in your mind made her come across as a villain - and now I was not sure whether she was or not. All I knew was I found myself overwhelmed by Lilly Kane- I wasn't sure if it was a good or bad feeling, but it was an explosive one at that. She stood now, making sure she sealed the deal of her ruling powers, leaning into my face._

" _Logan, don't prey on sweet Veronica." She grinned wide "If you want to watch someone sleep, I am your girl." She loved the way my eyes bugged from my head, as she walked off with a chuckle._

" _Seriously Lil, you are disgusting." Duncan said hand deep into the pop corn._

" _You gotta live a little, Donut."_

_My expressive eyes wandered down to the little blonde now, who seemed to pity me as she was still reeling from her own embarrassment that Lilly had created._

" _Don't let her get to you." Veronica shrugged. "Her riding you so hard is kind of like her hazing. So take it as a compliment, I guess?'_

_I laughed now. "I will try to focus on it like that, I suppose."_

_Lilly cam back, catching our conversation as she rubbed her hands threw my hair, her sultry nature much too developed for her young age- I guess she was on an accelerated path due to being in a rush to be disowned by seventeen. "Just do what I say and you will be fine."_

" _Haven't we all learned that rule." Duncan added somewhat bitterly._

_She seemed to wait for my buckling as she stared with expectancy- her large eyes beaming with a sense of one who was about to win the game. I felt resolve take over as I gritted my jaw- I was surrounded by game winners like her. My dad, Trina- always forcing their way. I was going to beat Lilly Kane at her own game-I would not be another one she added to her list. Duncan and Veronica accepted her domineering side- me? I knew she needed someone to keep her in check. I guess I was a similar type animal, and that realization made her suddenly more mesmerizing._

" _As you wish." I fired, and her blue eyes slanted with a wonder of surprise._

_She sat down now as Veronica covered her mouth in played shock, speaking between her small fingers. "Looks like someone has seen Princess Bride before."_

_Lilly smiled as she cocked her head to the side, I had earned my place. "I think we will like having you around, Logan Echolls."_

_Veronica laughed now as Duncan clapped with slow applauds. Suddenly it was like I fit. And though I had gained the approval of their Queen Bee, I still felt my true side linger towards the kind girl beside her. Yes, the beat and bruised version liked the fight of keeping up with Lilly Kane - the accomplishment of winning. But in a perfect world where my life was just as it should have been, I would have been content to just watch Veronica sleep._

 

* * *

 

" _Dude, my dad is working on that new Tara Reid film, and I got to meet her yesterday. That chick is seriously-" I craned my neck up as Duncan seemed oblivious to my words as he peered through the blinds. "Creeper alert." I threw a wadded up magazine at his head._

_He swatted at the now empty air -annoyed as he glared, releasing his grip on the blinds. "I heard you, man."_

" _Yeah, but you were too busy checking out Ronnie in that two piece to actually really hear me." I now peered out the blinds raising them, gaining the two girls that were poolside, attention. I waved largely with a thumbs up, Lilly blowing a large kiss in return._

" _Dude, now they know we have been staring." Duncan hissed as he tried to hide._

_I continued to eye Lilly naughtily as I responded. "Correction you were staring- hey, I am allowed to check out my girlfriend."_

" _Gross, not when she is your best friend's sister." He growled hopping up onto his bed._

_My eyes went to Veronica as she laid out, her large sunglasses taking up her petite face. Her swimwear choices were always less racy than Lilly's - though I swear Lilly just made her decisions on what to wear by what would tick her mom off most._

" _Duncan, man- I have known Veronica two years and you have been obsessed with her the entire time." I made a large gesture with my hands. "Do something about it."_

" _I am planning on it. Some of us just have different methods- unlike you."_

" _Hey- I liked your sister- I went after her. That is a pretty clear and simple method."_

" _Or more like my sister has no fear and set her eyes on you. How could you resist the older woman throwing herself at you?" He raised an eyebrow trying to imply my lack of skills with picking up women._

_I held back my retort as I looked down at the pool again. The truth was I couldn't quite deny Duncan's accusations. Lilly was hot and well, when I met Veronica - her strolling up in her soccer uniform- I found her hott as well. I was a male, and though I found myself crushing a little harder on Lilly's best friend that year of 6th grade- Lilly made it nearly impossible to act on it. She demanded my attention and so she got it- being my first real girlfriend a year later- making the distant crush I had for Veronica seem like ages ago._

" _Just tell her man." I raised my shoulders as I waved to Lilly, my eyes going back to Veronica, who smiled- my stomach knotting slightly._

_Honestly I got why Duncan was nervous. Veronica Mars was different than other girls-there was more risk with her. She could reject you, tear you a part with her higher levels or moral character, make you feel something deeper. She was the kind of girl you dream of meeting._

_I cleared my throat as I pushed away the thoughts that used to regularly occupy my mind before I gained my first girlfriend._

" _What do you say of a sneak attack?" I gestured like a villain as I raised my eyebrows and twirled a fake mustache._

_Duncan grinned now. "Let's do it."_

_We snuck around the corner of the large Kane estate- the green grass tickling between our toes as we gained sight of the two pretty blondes, sun bathing- completely unaware._

" _I'll take Lilly- you take Ronnie." I winked. "Try not to get nervous and drop her."_

_Duncan shoved me, nearly blowing our cover and I stifled my laughter as we jogged closer. Duncan let out a war type holler and my laughter now escaped as my body rattled, scooping Lilly in my arms as I cannon balled into the pool. Shortly after - Duncan with his loose grip on Veronica joined us, their awkward body language hysterical once they landed in the water._

" _Logan, I just washed my hair!" Lilly seethed, though her naughty smile was looming behind it._

" _I guess you will have to wash it again." I ran my nose down hers and she broke, throwing her arms around me._

" _Were you needing some attention?" She winked with a kiss, and as usual she had me wrapped around her finger._

" _When it comes to you? Of course."_

_Veronica stared at us as her and Duncan had already disconnected, seeming perplexed by our affection. All of us floated in the water peacefully now, our laughter subsiding, as Lilly escaped my grasp and went under._

_She blew air out loudly as she ran her fingers through her hair, paddling towards the steps. "So I am thinking movie night?"_

" _The Big Lebowski?" I suggested and Lilly rolled her eyes._

" _Logan, you always want to watch that."_

" _Hey, I love that movie too." Ronnie interjected._

" _The woman has good taste, Duncan." I raised my eyebrows with innuendo and Veronica stared back and forth between me and my best friend, her eyes full of curiosity. Duncan's jaw tensed now, he was yet again ticked at my full disclosure- and Lilly noticed._

" _Good grief, Donut- stop being so tense." Lilly had known of Duncan's little crush for awhile. Her "grab em by the horns" method had no way of understanding his slow methods. Plus it annoyed her- as she hated keeping the secret from her best friend. Lilly already had a long list of double date ideas and was anxious to use them._

_Just then Mrs. Kane's voice filled the lawn- her acting as if she was never intended to raise her voice above a certain decibel. "Logan, your father is on the phone!"_

_Every one now peered towards the porch, where the annoyed Celeste stood waiting for me. My back stiffened as I crawled out slowly, everyone's ease from before present as mine had been instantly stifled. He was calling here- he knew I would be here- which means he must have found it._

_I flinched now as old scars seemed to ignite with fire, like they were fresh- I guess in preparation for the ones that would be joining them soon. And the current ones had just faded enough that I could go without my shirt. I was glad for the break from Lilly's constant questioning of why I was so attached to my clothing. I guess it was time to come up with a new set of excuses._

_I knew what was coming, I had been waiting on it since the incident happened:_

_Dick and I had been throwing ball in the house, even though mom had asked us not to. It was a simple teenage disobedience- that is until Dick threw a curve ball, the football sliding over dad's desk dramatically and knocking the 50 year old scotch off, shattering onto the floor. Dick cringed with a regretful expression._

" _Sorry, man."_

_My mouth dropped. Most kids would endure groundings for this, sure. But me? I would endure far worse._

_I groaned silently as my plans of relaxing with my three closest friends began to vanish from my mind as I knew my plans would now involve leather against my back. Over and over and over._

_I weakly smiled as I passed Mrs. Kane, the sounds of Lilly and Veronica's laughter behind me as Duncan began to try and dunk them underneath the water. They resumed in play, like the world still moved forward. Mine however had just come to a halt at the nasty skeletons of my closet that came peeking out._

_I saw the cordless, black phone lying on the counter waiting for me- the cool tile against my wet feet and the ac on my back sending a shiver through me. That is what I would blame the shaking on- not my sudden fear. I swallowed loudly, so loud I swear he could hear my panic._

" _Hello." I said with little emotion._

" _Logan, my boy." There it was, his full on animated tone. That only meant one thing- "Is there something you need to tell me?"_

" _Uh." My voice caught on the trick question._

_All fake happiness was gone now as his stern and unforgiving side came forth. "You better tell your friends bye and head home."_

" _Yes, sir." I hung up with a stutter as I filled with every imaginable description of pure terror, my darting eyes falling on the three of them splashing in the water unknowingly. I had always kept it that way- this plaguing and very real part of my life unknown by anyone but my mother who faked ignorance as her way to cope._

_Everyone thought my always ready- jack ass side was a symptom of my father's wealth, my celebrity status, so to speak. Even Lilly was quick to judge me for it. But what no one ever knew was its nasty truth- I had a violent streak much like a kicked around dog. A dog who under normal circumstances would be loving and gentle, trusting even - but was now skittish and always snapping- looking out for when the next blow would come._

_I walked toward the edge of the pool. Here it goes- putting my genes to work as I acted my way through this, for the thousandth time._

" _I gotta go guys. Sorry- my dad needs me home."_

_Lilly looked disappointed at first before she fired back. "Oh my gosh they have you on such a short leash." She groaned with all her dramatic annoyance._

" _Sorry, man- see you tomorrow?" Duncan smiled, completely unaware - just how I wanted it._

_Then there was Veronica- the one I never liked to look directly in the eye in such situations. There was something about the way her electric blue eyes sparked with a challenge, like she was calling my bluff. They screamed BS, and I hated that I saw the small lines of concern fill around her mouth. She was in the dark too- but unlike the rest, she had an inkling- she saw through my acting skills._

 

* * *

 

_Mom pulled into the parking lot, letting her large rimmed sunglasses hang at the bridge of her nose as she rolled the windows down._

" _Hey baby. How was your day?" Mom always seemed genuinely thrilled to see me, like it was the highlight of her day. She put the red convertible away during the morning drop offs and afternoon pick ups. The black Escalade, her mom- mobile, taking its place. Some mom car right? I guess it is the one that the mother of Aaron Echolls' children drove._

" _Fine- I guess." I groaned under my breath as I opened the door throwing my back pack in._

_My mom's voice lit into a happier register. "Oh hi, Veronica!"_

_I pulled back from the car to see my mom's peppy smile and wave aimed in the direction of Veronica Mars. Our eyes meeting awkwardly as I gave a casual wave- Veronica still in the middle of her polite acknowledgment of my mother._

_She swallowed hard as she adjusted the messenger bag on her shoulder, staring ahead. Seems her day had gone to hell as well with the Kane stomach bug epidemic. Lilly, being a year older, meant she had her own wheels and because of this was Veronica's usual ride to school. Now she was stranded, waiting on the old bus._

" _Hey, Veronica." I said loud enough to catch her attention. Her blue eyes looked toward the large SUV as I opened the door wider. "Need a ride?"_

_She had a look of terror and betrayal cross her face before she scanned the parking lot again. "Uh, thank you, that would be great." She said as she walked over with a defeated slouch._

_My mom revved the engine, I guess her heavy foot and longing for her other vehicle took over, as we buckled our seat belts. "How was your day, you guys?" She looked both ways as she pulled out of the crowded area._

_We both looked to each other as we seemed to have the same feelings of this wretched day._

" _It was okay." Veronica responded politely, now seeming determined not to stare at me._

" _Whatever." I scoffed. "It was awful."_

_My mom always had a naive feel to her- whether it was real or a persona, I am not sure. "Really? Why?"_

" _Well, for starters Lilly is mad at me again- and in second period got her retaliation by blowing chunks all over me." I motioned to the tiny blonde next to me. "Veronica here was a causality as well in the vomit bomb." I laced my hands together as I fiddled my fingers. "Seems Lilly got the stomach bug dear Duncan came down with yesterday."_

" _Poor thing, it is a shame she didn't discover she was sick before she had to go to school."_

_I chuckled as I leaned my head back. "Knowing Lilly she did know and she came anyways just so she could get revenge."_

_Veronica's jaw tensed when I looked at her. Looks like I pissed off this blonde too._

" _You and Lilly- always are at it aren't you?" My mom said like it was children not sharing their toys in the sandbox. She had no idea how volatile our disagreements could get._

" _Listen, I need to stop here at the dry cleaners for you father. Veronica." My mom's brown eyes peered in the rearview mirror. "Do you mind?" Veronica shook her head no as she weakly smiled, and mom took that as her okay as she reached over for her latest designer bag. "Okay I should not be too long, as long as they did it how your dad likes. He is so picky." She rolled her expressive eyes as she shut the door._

_With the sound of the slam Veronica became more stoic, as her shoulders tensed- she had surely memorized the back of the passenger seat by now. Veronica and I were friends - but right now was one of the many times our foursome was divided. Whenever Lilly and I fought- then Veronica and Duncan chose sides. Duncan with me and Veronica with Lilly. It had been such a natural course of life I had grown use to it- we would all resume to our usual status as soon as me and Queen Bee made up. But Lilly's stomach debacle had surely thrown the usual way things worked, forcing me and her best friend to interact before the truce had been made._

_I angled my body towards her as I unbuckled my seat belt. "So Ronnie? You seem perturbed." I grinned wide, in the way that always pissed her and Lilly equally off._

_She looked from her peripheral, her jaw still tense. "Logan, I am not talking about this."_

" _So, you and I can't be friends when me and Lil are at odds? Come on- with how things have been going recently, we will never be friends." She rolled her eyes in annoyance as she still looked ahead. "Hey, you and Duncan stay connected. You guys can't just break up every time your best friends fight."_

" _Yeah, well Duncan is Duncan- not you." She fired._

" _Ouch." I grabbed my heart. "That hurt." She sighed with exasperation as I could see that mind of her's reeling._

" _I think you and Lilly are both ridiculous." She now looked at me._

_Her words kind of shocked me as I was speechless for a second. Veronica Mars- or Ronnie as we called her- those around had always pegged her as the young, naive sheriff's daughter. Even Lilly her best friend had always labeled her as such. She didn't exactly belong in the world we all inhabited, that is by her morals and lack of care of wealth. Veronica was like the outstanding member of a society full of lesser beings. She may have been quiet most the time- but I knew that fiery justice that just came out was always burning underneath. She proved my point. Veronica was not naive- she was pure of heart, unlike the rest of us. It just seems when you are born into a world of depravity you would see this goodness as something weak, thus her labels, but Veronica was anything but naive._

" _Really now?" I asked with eyebrows raised._

" _You should call her and tell her you are sorry for being a jerk, you know you will eventually- why do you insist on dragging the process out and causing even more drama?" Her fists clenched a little at her sides. "It is like you two freaking need the drama to thrive." I could see months and years of frustration escaping, and secretly got a thrill of her showing this rare side to me._

_My eyes sparked in return. I liked this side of Veronica, the one she usually kept subdued when Lilly was around. "And Lilly did nothing in this situation? Her openly flirting with Casey at last weekend's party wasn't a reason to be pissed?"_

_She groaned. "Yeah, so you giving Shelly that very public sun tan lotion rub down was a mature response?"_

_I laughed as I remembered. Shelly meant nothing- she was just a means to an end- the end being getting Lilly back. It had worked. Truth was what hurt most was Lilly's wandering eye- it was based off of true feelings. My flirting was just my desperate attempt to get her to care- to think I mattered._

" _It worked didn't it?" I asked._

_She slouched further into her seat. "I am not discussing this with you. Lilly is my friend."_

_I joined her, matching her position as I reclined. "Veronica, come on. It hurts to see your girlfriend openly hitting on another guy- in front of all your friends." I nibbled my bottom lip. "I am not saying I am right- but let's be honest- she and I are both screwed up." I glanced over her way, her tough exterior melting a bit. "I don't see why I have to lose my friends just because my girlfriend is mad at me. I get it, in a knife fight- you've got her back." This made her chuckle now. "But until it comes to that, can't we just be chill?"_

" _I think Lilly is wrong too." She paused. "You know- you both are stupid." She smiled as she faced me. "Let's just hope it doesn't come down to me having to bring out my shiv."_

" _Such a crude choice." I laughed. The words shiv and Veronica never coincided in my mind until now._

" _I don't have your 09er wealth. I have to make my weapons." She teased, I always thought her deemed nickname stemming from our zip code was hilarious. The girl had sick wit, it just seemed she hardly ever shared it with anyone else._

" _So, if I asked mom if we can stop by Amy's- would you be up for it?"_

_She acted like she had to contemplate, her eyes narrowing. "Their rocky road is the best."_

_My mom unlocked the car now, the chirping sound surrounding us as she placed the suits in the trunk carefully. "Thanks for waiting you guys." She closed the trunk and you could hear her heals hit the pavement even from the inside._

" _Hey, mom can we stop by Amy's?" I asked as she started the engine. "Ronnie and I are craving some rocky road."_

 

* * *

 

_We passed Veronica in the hallway yet again, her books grasped across chest like a shield. Duncan looked steely as he moved, never even glancing her way. My eyes stayed on her. Though I kept up an emotionless wall on the outside- I cringed on the inside at the sight of her. She was rattled, her eyes swollen- her face slightly thinner. Duncan had screwed her over._

_We went to our usual spots at lunch, Veronica sitting as close to Lilly as physically possible as I took a place next to my best friend at the other end. Ever since those two broke up I hardly ever ate lunch with my on and off again girlfriend._

_I bit into my apple as I glanced at Lilly, who was openly wearing a concerned look as she motioned with her large eyes towards the girl next to her. Veronica slowly picked in her food, it obvious not one bite had entered her mouth as she blankly stared ahead._

_I felt a defensive anger rise up for the tiny blonde- the one I called my friend. I loved Duncan sure- but the guy was acting like a total douche. Sure I would take his side, that was my job- but really Veronica Mars never did anything to deserve this._

_I nudged my buddy, a little hard. "Hey."_

_He kind of glared before his face relaxed. "What?"_

_I motioned toward the catatonic version of his ex, a darkness falling on him as he shrugged. "She isn't taking the break up well?" He said it like a question with a sly smile, and I gnawed at the inside of my cheek to keep me from punching off his smug expression._

_I nodded taking another bite from my fruit as my eyes danced with what Duncan recognized as anger. He swallowed as he turned his attention back to Dick and Casey, not wanting to incur my wrath._

_I blew out the pent up air, and exasperation as I looked towards the other end, her gaze longingly staying on my jerk of a best friend. She caught me now, a look of pure embarrassment covering her worn face, before it relaxed into a numb state. I held the contact as Lilly jabbered, filing the silence, talking with Shelly across the table._

_For whatever reason Veronica held it too, seeming to be grasping for any kind of hope. I felt my lips play up slowly as I nodded in reassurance. I wasn't even sure what I was reassuring her of, but it seemed to work as she weakly smiled my way, taking her first bite._

 

* * *

 

_I laid flat on my stomach as I brought my father's expensive scotch to my mouth. It was my version of pay back. You beat the crap out of me- I will drink the good stuff. He could never prove it was me anyway with my mom's drinking habits. Oh the ironies of my screwed up life._

_I was thankful for the pool house, it was my retreat so to speak. I cringed - my teeth gritting violently- the air from the fan blowing against my new scars. This was my ritual- my dad beat me- then I went to my fortress of solitude- pushing back the alcohol as the cool air played at my back. It was sick really- that I had memorized which drinks numbed the pain better. The whiskey and vodka helped the physical and the scotch- it was for the emotional. I took a large swig again- I would need more of this stuff now, as it seemed the emotional pain was coming at me from all angles._

_Lilly was done with me, I knew it. My little lip lock with that new student had sealed the deal this time. She and I were through- she was illogical that way. She had done plenty to send me over the edge, but all was forgotten of that when I for once dished out to her what I know had been done hundreds of times behind my back._

_Funny thing was I wanted her back- I even drove all morning, leaving my Mexico trip early. I saw her next to Veronica- Veronica. The name made the bile rise in my mouth. If it wasn't for her and that big mouth, Lilly would have never even thrown me to the curb. It pissed me off- I had stood up for her countless times after Duncan dropped her. I had maintained the friendship despite Duncan's wrath and still she still possessed no loyalty to me- sealing my fate with Lilly forever._

_I knew it was over, but being me of course, I had to make a dramatic exit- leaving Lilly the shot glass and departing letter. It seemed only fitting for her to at least hear one last time how I felt. The irony was not lost on me- the girl who had begged for my attention at the beginning had now switched roles with me- I was the one begging- pathetically. It all had started as a game of who could gain control over the other- as sick as that sounds. I had been determined from those first days to never let her get the upper hand, but had failed miserably as I fell hard and thus was shattered._

_After I left my farewell, I hit the waves- like I always did when trying to drown my sorrow, this time bringing a friend called Jack with me to help ease it even more. To say that my mom was petrified when I showed up at the house in the afternoon wearing my wet suit and drunk out of my skull, was correct. To say my dad was pissed off would be an understatement._

_His beating sobered me up to say the least, so now I was back here working on numbing it all away again. Today I had been glad for his violent outburst. It was a moment of pain not associated with my now forever ex, and I enjoyed the reprieve- though now incurring his wrath for a momentary break seemed foolish, as the bottle in my hand was nearly reaching bottom._

_There was a knock at the door, and I scrambled quickly to my feet, clumsily putting the liquor away under one of the ridiculous fluffy pillows mom has in here. I walked slowly, relaxing in slight relief that it wasn't one of my parents- they would have entered by now._

_Maybe it was Lilly- maybe she got the letter and had a change of heart. I threw the long sleeved shirt over my head, growling as it clung to the wet blood. I evened my breath as I felt a twinge of hope surge through my veins, its happiness numbing the pain a little more - me ignoring the pathetic side who was desperate for just another moment of her control._

_The door creaked as I opened it, my stomach dropping at the sight of Veronica Mars before me. Her pep squad shirt from earlier today was still on, and her hair was disheveled like she had literally been clawing at it. Normally I would have pitied her- but now I just didn't care._

" _Ron, if you are here to get info on Duncan, I am afraid I am tight lipped." I made the motion of locking my mouth._

_Harsh I know, but hey- I had to inflict a little pain. After all she was the reason for all of mine, or so I told myself. Dear Ronnie was the easiest punching bag to us all- each of us inflicting our grief upon her. Me, Duncan, even Lilly was guilty of it, and somehow I let myself believe it was her fault. It was funny how we use to be friends...and now we were almost enemies. A part of me didn't care, a part of me cared more than I would like to admit. I am done with being the victim of these girls- all their wrath leaving me weaker than ever._

_My eyes focused on her now as her mouth hung ajar, her skin a deathly white. Veronica had never been one for being sun kissed, but now she looked ill. Her eyes were red, redder than I had ever seen them as I felt all malice from before disappear as I stepped closer, worry filling me. Something was seriously wrong with her._

" _Veronica." I never called her by her real name out loud. My hands touched her arms lightly as she stayed motionless. Her bottom lip quivered when I looked deeper at her- a keening groan escaping her mouth as she tried to speak._

_The mournful noise had sent a shiver up my spine as I stepped even closer- the tears pouring out form her in steady streams. Her breath hitched along with her voice as she muttered. "Lil- Lilly."_

_Uttering her name seemed to take all strength as she now fell to the floor, taking me with her as I held on tight, afraid she would shatter once she landed._

" _Veronica, Veronica- what about Lilly?" The urgency in my voice spread to my body as I shook her. "What about Lilly, Veronica?" I yelled a little._

_She peered up, and I hardly recognized the person staring at me. The Veronica I knew was gone. She mumbled slightly as the words came out with forced effort. "She's - she's dead."_

_She stared ahead- almost as lifeless as her described, but still very much alive best friend. I scoffed at her now, this was a sick joke. Either Veronica being ruthless or Lilly getting even more revenge._

" _You are joking." I stood now as I left her in fetal on the floor. "Good, acting though, Mars. Tell Lil you did a superb job at selling it."_

_The mention of her best friend made her face contort as she gripped the ground, her body shaking. My smirk diminished as I watched her, her helpless body lying on my floor- and suddenly I realized- what I hoped was a sick joke was nothing more than the truth. Veronica in my made up world of coping could be an evil person, but I knew deep down she could never do anything this cruel. I now wished that Lilly had sent her here to kill me a little more- because her being dead- there was no way I was going to survive._

_I fell to my knees as a slow flow of inner battle with myself filled my head. A fight of logic against the crazy ramblings of Veronica Mars was pouring in and out. Veronica had gone mad- she had not been herself for weeks now. Lilly Kane was invincible- she was going to out live us all._

_Veronica brought her hands to her face as she continued to whale into them, her knees close to her body. "M-m-murdered." She finally said the the word, a dry heave following the admission._

_My eyebrows pulled in as every part of me quivered, even my voice. "Some-someone killed her?"_

_Her groans subsided as she looked up at the acceptance plastered on my face in sick form, biting her lip to speak clearly. "Yes." Her breaths were so uneven she could hardly get the rest out. "I just- I just saw her, her body."_

_She grabbed her knees and I jumped up feeling all levels of nausea take over- grief ridden and full of alcohol I ran into the yard heaving up everything I had consumed that day. I had been sick before, had stomach flu- but never had my body shook like this as I emptied the alcohol from my system. It wasn't my drunk state- no, I was broken now, I could feel all that was left of my semi-functioning self disappear._

_Keith Mars was now in sight as he hurriedly rushed into the lawn, my mother and father right behind._

" _Logan, are you okay?" Mr. Mars said with hands out, like he knew I was going to be set off like a shot gun._

_A poisonous quip nearly escaped, the retching feeling taking over as I puked again. I wiped my mouth as there was an eery quiet, my eyes scanning as I slowly took in each person._

_My my mother cupped her mouth to subdue her sobs as the tears poured from her almond eyes, my father's arm laced around her with terror clearly written across his face. Keith's eyes were on me intently only moving for a moment as they drifted to the doorway, my gaze following with him as Veronica leaned against the frame, her chest shaking as her body hiccuped from her lack of even breath._

_The whirlwind of slow motion stopped as everything rushed to the surface as my feet began to take off. "I've got to go-"_

_Keith grabbed me by the shoulders."They wont let you inside- it is a crime scene, I am sorry." I tried to hide the wince that his jarring touch had caused, my father's infliction of wrath coming back as another mournful memory._

_I ran my hand down the back of my neck as I now sobbed- the tears finally present as my voice cracked. "I have to do something- It's Lilly, I need to be there- she needs-"_

" _I am sorry, son. There is nothing you can do." Mr. Mars said sympathetically and my eyes shut tight as I began to shake._

_Quickly I was crashed into, again my fresh scars writhing with pain as I felt the encompassing of a tiny frame. I peered down as the shaking stopped for a moment, Veronica wrapping her arms around me, her face buried into my chest as my arms lay limply at my sides. I had never known Veronica to ever be affectionate- she was at times icy- Duncan being the only recipient of her affection. But now in this moment I felt as if she was going to crawl into my skin- she needed the contact so bad. And suddenly I needed it too, letting my arms slowly grasp her, her touch oddly comforting despite it tearing into the new wounds spread across my back._

" _I think we should give the kids a moment." Mr. Mars said as he spoke to my parents, their bodies becoming shadows as they walked toward the house. And my neck fell forward as Veronica's hushed cries muffled into my chest, close to my heart._

* * *

 

_Veronica was like clock work these days. She did the same things- sat at the same places- acted the same ways. She was like a robot- though I could not say I was much different. Her version was a snarky, Nancy Drew, obsessive compulsive robot with now choppy, short hair. Me? I was more an egotistical, jack ass- one that ruled Neptune High with an iron fist. To each his own, correct? We each cope differently. And one of my many coping mechanisms was making Veronica Mar's life hell. Not exactly sure when it all became her fault in my mind-It was sometime between the time she ratted me out to Lilly and now._

_I had taken a small break from my loathing when Lilly passed- Veronica being the one who delivered the news and blankly stared out ahead into the blackness of my yard with me as we processed the death of the person we both loved. But soon she became delusional- trying to wreck what little stability our world had left, encouraging her father as he tried to take down the Kane family._

_Either way, whatever had finally sent me over the edge, it worked- she took the punishment that I gladly dished, the vengeance for Lilly's murder._

_Dick snickered like a girl as she approached- her scowl of suspicion evident as she approached her usual seat. She was so predictable now, we knew exactly where she would sit at her outcast table during lunch hour, making the placement of the glue easy._

_Dick cackled again and I hit him under the table, her eyes on us quickly. I took a bite of food as I shrugged and she narrowed her gaze along the bench as she ran her hand across. I glanced up now to her cocky expression as she held a finger up laced in glue as she wiped it across the table slowly with emphasis. She executed fake applause and I took a bow, stiffening as Duncan approached._

_He looked at me odd and I acted nonchalant. Last thing he needed was to know my latest plot to torture Veronica. For some reason the guy was wishy washy when it came to the nuisance blonde._

" _So this weekend Dick's parents will be going away on a romantic getaway." I said as I lifted my brows animatedly and Dick leaned in with equal expression. "Which means.. Booze- girls- fun.." I waited for Duncan's response, his usual expressionless face took a moment but then sparked._

_His blue eyes got a usual level of dread when he saw dear Ronnie approaching, and now that look had taken over the small glimmers of life I had just managed to gain from him. I turned around as she walked with an obvious mission. Duncan averted his gaze as she stood by my side with arms crossed, me running the fork over my barely edible lunch._

" _You coming to tell me of how intelligent I am? How impressed you were by my little surprise?" I showed both sets of my teeth as I grinned so wide my eyes nearly shut._

_She was serious now as her eyes went to Duncan then back to me. "Logan, I need to talk to you." She said flat, like it was actually killing her pride. I suppose it was._

" _With me? Really? You going to accuse me of murder too?" I fired back making the table erupt into laughter as her eyes narrowed more._

_She scoffed. "I don't even know why I try with you anymore." She handed me an envelope as she walked off, my throat tightening as I eyed it and the resemblance of friendship it held._

" _A love letter? For Duncan?" Was my last retort, though it felt weak._

_Duncan now stabbed his meat loaf and my eyes settled on him as he shook his head disapprovingly. Seemed I had struck a nerve with him as well- I was good at that now._

_Quickly lunch was dismissed and the manila envelope felt like fire in my hands as I walked toward my locker. I hesitated by the trash can thinking of chunking whatever she gave. After all what she gave would mean nothing right? Because that was what we were -nothing. My hands reached into the open can, a few fingers releasing their grip, the others stubbornly holding on._

_Small flashes of afternoons by the pool and road trips in Lilly's car filled my head. Lilly loved Veronica- Hell, I even used to love her. She was one of my closest friends.. She used to be anyway._

_I growled loudly as I pulled out the envelope, pulling back the front flap as Lilly's face scattered all over the floor. I froze as I watched each picture fall gracefully, my hands caught in a paralyzed state as I felt the sting of her reminder clearly before me. I saw a pair of delicate hands hurriedly gather the photos, Veronica standing up with mournful expression as she handed them to me._

_I gulped, I could feel my adam's apple move slowly. " I thought you might want these." She said as she placed her hands in her pockets._

_I eyed the collection of photos of me and Lilly, my eyes glossing over with tears. "Uh, thank you." I muttered._

" _Yeah, whatever." She scooted past in a huff. "Don't mention it."_

 

* * *

 

" _Veronica, I got the card info you were wanting." I stopped in front of her desk._

" _What? You are speaking to me in public now, Echolls? Without my humiliation being involved?" She fired with her usual antagonistic smile she wore these days. I supposed I deserved it._

" _Veronica-" My voice trailed, I had no answer for her._

_She eased, her shoulders relaxing as I saw glimmers of the girl I used to know. "So you have what I asked for?"_

_I nodded handing her the financial records. "Listen, I don't know how to say this-"_

_She placed her hands under her chin. "You mean thank you?"_

" _Uh, yes." I chuckled. "I guess that is it."_

" _Eh, I am not doing it for you."_

_I laughed even more uncomfortably as I ran my hand through my hair. "And who are you doing it for?"_

" _A friend I once had. He was pretty cool, and well his mom was a great lady."_

_I bit my lips at the sudden emotion, as I recalled the boy she spoke of. I had not been him for over a year- I had begun to forget what he looked like. The one who had spent countless hours with the barely recognizable girl in front of me. Days of bike rides to Amy's and long day trips to the beach. Spending our afternoons laid out under the trees of the Kane estate._

" _This friend? Do I know him?" I smiled weakly._

" _Yeah, I think somewhere deep down you might remember him." She said kindly, before tensing back up. "Now, if you don't mind, they give us study hall for a reason." Her hand lifted up as she motioned for me to move._

 

* * *

 

_The tiny bell of The Hut filled my senses as I scanned the place for her. I saw her eye an unhappy customer with her usually perturbed look when others were using her as a punching bag. Guess she had grown sick of that thanks to her old 09er friends. I frowned as I made my way in farther, watching as she fought everything in her, forcing a smile as she grabbed their cup._

_I bit my lip as I quickly hid beneath the counter she was approaching, her rounding the corner, my arm grabbing hold of her tiny waste as she screamed. I let go as she thumped me, now laughing at the realization of who I was._

" _Hi." I smiled, propping my elbows on the counter._

" _Hi." She smiled, it reaching her eyes._

_"I guess i should be glad you aren't allowed to bring your taser to work."_

_"You shouldn't do things that would require me to use it." She dumped the liquid in the cup into the sink in front of her. "You know I am happy to see you, especially after having to hold my tongue over that man not having enough foam in his latte." Her face scowled in grumpy annoyance. "He should be glad I am not allowed to bring my weapon of choice too."_

I couldn't explain why her temper always had a way of turning me on, but I had just grown to accept the fact. " _I saw that- you used such self control. I am proud, Mars."_

_She cocked her head to the side. "You know, I love all these visits but I am afraid my boss is going to fire me for all the personal visits my boyfriend is making."_

_I held my hands up innocently. "I have my speech prepared. I am a big fan of the coffee- there is no where else where the foam is so perfect and the surroundings are so pleasing to the eye." I pulled at her top and she swatted my hand._

" _Tell that to Mr. Grumpy Foam - over there." Her eyes landed on him as her lips pulled apart in worry. "Great, now he is glaring. I gotta go." She quickly leaned in for a peck._

" _Be brave." I turned to watch her walk away. "Am I seeing you later?"_

" _You know it." She disappeared behind the doors that led to the small kitchen with an expectant expression._

 

* * *

 

_I stood outside the door of the apartment, phone to my ear as I listened to the sound of the ring repeat. Finally her groggy voice filled the other line, me suddenly excited- my plan may work._

" _Logan?"_

" _Hey, sleepy head. Open the door."_

_She suddenly sounded more awake. "Wait. You are here?"_

" _Bingo- no wonder you aren't the one in summer school. Such a sharp mind you have."_

_I heard her buzz about her room, and quickly the door creaked open as she hung up._

" _What on earth are you doing here? It is 2 in the morning."_

" _Well, this final for my Chemistry class is kicking my butt. I need that mind of yours to help me."_

_She folded her arms across her chest. "Well, maybe if you studied more and weren't always surfing with Dick and Beaver."_

" _Mars, you want me to fail? Then I will be held back a year- and we wont graduate together. It will be a mess." I pulled her in now as she groaned into my shoulder._

" _Logan, it is late." She whined like a baby._

" _Thirty minutes? Please?"_

" _Fine." Her head popped up with stubbornness. "But in your car- my dad would kill us both if he caught us in my room."_

" _My car is even better. Alone time." I ran my hand down her neck and she slapped at it._

" _No- study time." She held up her finger at my mouth as she opened the door, disappearing behind it._

_I waited as she reappeared with a robe and keys in hand. "Okay." She closed the door quickly, locking it behind her. "Let's go." She gestured as she tied her robe tightly around her and shuffled off in her fluffy house shoes._

" _Ah, my teacher and student fantasy." I ran up, snagging a kiss at the nape of her neck making her smile._

" _Behave." Those baby blues dancing the way that made me weak._

" _Atoms are happiest when their valence shell has eight electrons." Veronica pointed to the book._

" _It is so sexy when you talk smart."_

_She gave a warning glance as she pointed back to the book, me scooting in as I let my lips trace her cheeks._

" _Logan, you have to pay attention- your final is tomorrow and-" Her voice caught- as the detective had caught up to my scheme."You already know this don't you?" I nodded against her face as my nose caressed her and she punched me in the arm._

" _Ouch-" I groaned with a laugh as I looked back at her now blazing eyes, that hot temper of hers was on the brink of explosion. "What? You are mad that I stayed up till 2 studying and could not stop thinking about you. I had to think of an emergency to get you alone."_

_She was still full of spit and fire, everything I loved about her. "You are a sneaky one."_

" _That I am- but don't I at least get a prize for effort?" I moved in closer again._

" _And what type of prize are you thinking?" Her lip curled up in annoyance._

" _A little make out time with my insanely gorgeous and super smart girlfriend?" I raised my eyebrows with clasped hands- as if I was begging, making her tough shell burst open with laughter._

_She let her fingers crawl up my arms, mimicking a spider as she scooted closer, crawling onto my lap. "I think you deserve such a prize." She kissed me slowly, our lips meeting each other in perfect combination._

_I pulled back. "Hey, if they made this the reward for hard studying I believe most males would put forth an effort."_

_She shook her head with a gleaming expression- if I would have known better I would say it was adoration. "Shut up and kiss me, Echolls."_

" _With pleasure."_

 

* * *

 

_Veronica sat at her usual table, nibbling on her sandwich, Duncan absent by her side yet again. He was a fool, if I was lucky enough to ever have her again- I would never leave her side. I was glad I was the only one who knew the secret, inner workings of my mind. Most would get lost in here and worse would know my secret: I wasn't over her._

_I approached with caution, after all the girl was as mad as I had ever seen at me yesterday. Something about it, her dissapointment -despite how indifferent I tried to act- killed me more than she knew._

" _Hey, Ronnie." I said with forced care free tone and all she did was lower her head, as if I did not even exist._

_I sighed now as I scooted closer, using a whisper. "I got rid of the gun- okay?" I blurted out, making her finally look up. I nodded as now I had her attention. "I get it, you were right- it was stupid. I got rid of it, so no more yelling at me about it."_

_All her icy walls and perturbed moods seemed to fade for a moment as she looked at me with pride. "Well I am glad to hear it." Her inflection was less hostile than yesterday. "Though I guess I did fail to say thanks for saving my ass from the Fitzpatrick's yesterday."_

_I dipped my head down in response at how unaware she seemed at what lengths I would go to protect her. Seems she didn't take the words I spoke in the pool house last semester seriously. All I wanted to do now was protect her. "Anytime." I chose the less loaded choice of words over the speech playing in my head._

_Her face was serious now, resembling her expression from yesterday. "I am glad you got rid of it though."_

_I stood to my feet. "It wasn't worth the wrath of Veronica Mar's I assure you." I awkwardly held the gaze longer than deemed appropriate for friends and to my surprise she didn't budge. "Just wanted you to know." I waved as I refused to continue this look of longing. "See you around."_

" _Logan." Her mention of my name stopped me in my tracks. "It may sound silly but- I couldn't take another- another one of my friends getting killed." She shook a little as she pulled at her sleeves. "Accidents with guns happen all the time- I just-"_

_I could feel how pleased I felt spread across my normally cold face now. "So I am still your friend huh?"_

_She seemed to hate the moment of vulnerability she had shown. "Yes, whatever- go home and work on a friendship bracelet." Dick approached now and she seemed even more annoyed "Don't take it too personal- there are always those people in our lives we can't just get rid of. Case in point." She motioned to Dick._

" _Thanks, Ron." He seemed genuinely thrilled for the obvious diss._

_I laughed now as I winked slyly, eying her in that way that implied I knew she felt more than she let on. "Nice to know you care, Mars."_

 

* * *

 

_I leaned against the door as I anxiously checked my watch again, blowing air out of my pursed lips. I heard the clomps of feet at the other end of the stairs and filled with anticipation at the sight of Veronica and Keith rounding the corner- luggage in hand._

_Veronica's pony tail hung off the side of her head, her worn sweats and old camp t-shirt were loosely attached to her body- the obvious signs of a long trip all over her face. That is - until she saw me, a burst of joy filling behind the tattered expression she wore moments before, as it nearly beamed from far away. She was as beautiful as I had remembered- like a week would be long enough for me to forget that- no time span was._

_She dropped her bags as she nearly squealed, this side of her was usually much less up front. Jumping high she clasped her arms around my neck and I caught her, her exuberance throwing me back a little as I steadied my feet._

_"Happy to see me?" I asked with a content emphasis as I was pleased to see her so open._

_She nodded as she smiled wide, Keith walking by with their bags now, wearing the face of a disgruntled father._

_"Hey Logan."_

" _Hey, Mr. Mars." I hollered back._

_She ignored her dad as she continued beaming. "See I told you- one week- and we are totally fine."_

" _Well, probably because of my obsessive calls and texts."_

" _Hm, I think I would still feel the same even if I didn't talk to you multiple times a day."_

" _Glad to hear it." I ran my hand through her hair as I placed her down, her light as a feather weight was one the many reasons the word cute came to mind when she was mentioned._

" _So you miss me?" She asked, sounding like a teenage girl for once. It shockingly satisfying to hear._

" _More than you know." She licked her lips in response, like she knew what was coming as I leaned in._

 

* * *

 

_Veronica bounced on the diving board as she slyly glanced my way before jumping into the pool, the splash she created hitting me all the way over by edge where my feet dangled in. She popped up through the water with mischievous air as she doggy paddled my way._

" _You know you could get me in serious trouble for this." I leaned down as she pulled up on the concrete, to meet me for a kiss- me getting a glimpse of her tiny black bikini- one of the reasons I had caved on her crazy idea._

" _Oh you are their most important customer- they will let you bend the rules." She pushed off the side with her feet as she practiced her back stroke. "Plus - like you sneaking your girlfriend into the indoor pool at 3 am is the worst thing you have ever done."_

" _You speak the truth." I relaxed as she smiled._

" _Well, are you going to join me?" She asked in a slightly naughty tone, knowing exactly how to peek my interest. I pulled my shirt off in response and she clapped, her hands catching in the water making small waves._

_I jumped in now, going under as I swam close to the bottom- hearing her nervous squeals echo through the liquid feet between us. As I approached, her legs pulled up and I grabbed hold- taking her under with me._

_She coughed with a wheezing laugh as we made it back to the top and she did her usual- always violently swatting at me before she would cave into an embrace after I pulled a trick._

" _I like our little sleep overs." I said as the ripples around us smoothed. "Your dad's trips are welcomed whenever."_

" _Hm, I know." She seemed consumed with all delicious flashes of our time before we made our way to the pool. The times that were inspired by a look at the swim wear she had packed._

_The water slowly moved its way down her face, her hair slicked back- drenched, the smell of chlorine wafting off of it slightly. I always found her most beautiful like this- though she never wanted to hear that. Something about her not being able to buy it. It seems Veronica had the same insecurities as most girls, she just kept them hidden better. But taking her in now, her complete and natural beauty- make up washed off, hair wet and her warm skin contacting mine underneath the water. She was perfection._

_She looked almost proud of her self as her chin jutted out towards me, the pointy lines of it delicate somehow. "I thought you weren't getting in the water- you were pretty adamant about that upstairs."_

" _You can be pretty convincing when you want to be." I wiped away the eyelash hanging on her cheek as I delicately touched it._

" _Wait, don't get rid of it!" She said with more emphasis than needed. I froze as she quieted her voice, embarrassed by her dramatic outburst. "I have to make a wish. You never waste eyelash wishes. Didn't anyone ever tell you that?"_

_I shook my head mesmerized by the young girl escaping in this moment as she held my finger, blowing hard with eyes tightly shut. I was getting a rare snap shot-one I knew would be permanently sealed in my conscious. This would forever be a part of the reel I called my life. Veronica Mars was just being herself- the less guarded and slightly giddy inner version- the one that hurt easily and used all armor she could gain to protect._

_She opened her eyes now and I grabbed her tighter, her legs wrapping around me. "What you wish for?"_

_She bit her lip. "I am not ever telling. You can't or it wont come true."_

" _Well, if it does come true, will you tell me?"_

_A look of delight was now present as she spoke. "You will know it- if it happens."_

_She kicked away now as she took off toward the other side, avoiding what she knew her last response would provoke- more curiosity from me._

" _I've always loved the pool." She said relaxed, her eyes peering my way as she floated lightly. "It reminds me of Lilly."_

_Her words shocked me, she never brought up Lilly- the sudden admission of feelings taking me by surprise. I swam closer to her to bridge the gap as I smiled in a nostalgic way. "Yeah, me too."_

" _I was always convinced she was a mermaid or something. If she wasn't swimming she was either laying out by the pool." Veronica went on with a tone I had hardly heard since Lilly was around. "Once it happened, after I saw her - laying there." She shuttered slightly. "It took me awhile before I wanted to go near one." I nodded, understanding perfectly._

_Veronica rolled her eyes at the tears building as she held her nose and dunked her head beneath the water, clearing away all signs of her emotions. She stood now, as we were in the shallow end, tracing the blue water with her delicate fingers._

_"Do you ever miss her, Logan?"_

_My brows pulled in at the question."Yeah, all the time."_

" _Me too." She kept fingering the water. "I always hear her in my head. The comments she would say or what she would think about my clothes." She chuckled. "I wonder a lot how she would have turned out- where she would have ended up."_

" _Probably a crazy co-ed for sure." I added making Veronica smile through her somber moment._

" _Well, naturally- it is Lilly."_

_I scooted closer. "I think Lilly would have partied hard, lived every minute to the fullest and one day fallen crazy in love and settled down- being a mom, a house wife- just like she swore she never would."_

" _Hm, I can see that. Though she would hate us for saying that." Veronica seemed to be more reserved now._

" _But, I know she would have found the perfect guy eventually for her- like I found my girl. Mine had been right under my nose all along."_

_She perked up now. "You don't think-" Her insecurity shocked me, hadn't she known by now she was all I wanted? There was no one else- that even included my dead, ex girlfriend._

_I cut her off. "Lilly and I were over that day. Unfortunately Lilly's life was cut short too, right after."_

_Veronica scrunched her nose now. "I bet she would have gotten a kick out of us being together- I would have never heard the end of it."_

_I cocked my head unsure. "I don't know." I paused as I smiled wide. "I think she would have been pissed off at first - and then after her fit was done- been our biggest supporter. She would have cheered us on- I really believe that. Lilly loved you more than anyone, she would want you happy."_

" _Hm, well happiness and you do seem to coincide in my life." She pushed me back as she placed her hands on my chest._

_The guard walked across the open hallway now- us spotting him through the clear glass as we both dunked under the water._

" _And adventure is never lacking either." I said as we came up from underneath, running my hands along my face as she seemed to love every minute of the adrenaline._

 

* * *

 

_I placed the coffee on the counter, her head slowly peering up from underneath the old desk as her eyes settled on the cup, then to me with a smirk._

" _Logan Echolls, it is 8 am and you are bringing me coffee. What alien species has taken control of your body?"_

" _Ha- very funny." I rested my elbows on the desk, trying to submerge all memories that haunted this library of- us._

_Skin- kiss- deep breaths- laughter- her lips- longing- rushing adrenaline- total intimacy._

_I shook my head, hoping it would operate like an etch a sketch- shake and everything disappears. I looked at her expectant eyes- my stare settling on her mouth longingly. Appears it doesn't work the same._

" _My first class was cancelled and Parker is in class." Yeah Parker- your girlfriend. "So I thought, I remembered you worked mornings on Monday-so thus the coffee." Yeah, you thought you remembered. Admit it, you still have her schedule memorized._

" _Well, how very nice of you." She smiled sipping it. "And it is just the way I like it. Way to go- brownie points for you."_

_I nodded with a shy smile as I followed her as she carried a stack of books._

_"So how are you?" I asked anxious for a detailed answer- knowing I would most likely receive a vague one._

" _Oh you know- doing good, staying busy." She placed an old book on the shelf. "You?" She asked, wiping away the dust._

" _Uh, the same. Nothing too interesting."_

_She glanced up now, as she seemed to feel the sudden awkward air that came upon us with our guarded responses. I hated the way my stomach would clench in response to our surface relationship now. Seems the void that Veronica had left this time was even larger, her leaving always seemed to hollow me out more each time._

" _So." She smiled as she pulled her lips in. "You want to hang out with me until your next class?" She picked up the books again. "I could use the extra set of hands." She added so I could not read into the gesture._

" _Using me for slave work again are we?" I quipped as she seemed to enjoy the return of our verbal sparring. We both craved that aspect - the part of our relationship we achieved with no one else. That high- we were like addicts never getting enough of the fix._

" _And you make it so easy." She loaded my arms down with old books. "Let's get to work, slave."_

_There was remembrance of all things in the way she smiled- a thousand thoughts, feelings, and memories tied to it- making my heart race. Yeah who was I kidding- we never achieved any aspect of our relationship with anyone else._

 

* * *

 

" _Ninety- seven, ninety- eight, ninety- nine, one hundred." The commanding officer screamed as I crashed to the ground, his large boot on my back now, pressing me further down. "Next time think -before you shoot off that mouth of yours, pretty boy!"_

_I looked up, my face smashed into the dirt, using all strength to hide my glare. "Sir, yes, sir!" I hollered at a pleasing level as I jumped to my feet, assuming the position of my fellow unit mates - at ease, as the commanding officer walked the line._

" _Any of the rest of you want to challenge me like, Echolls here? Or are we good?" No one responded all their eyes glancing my way from their peripherals. "I can't hear you!" He screamed, jolting us all aware._

" _No, sir!" We all screamed in unison as he looked slightly pleased. "You are dismissed. Go clean up."_

_We all made our way back to our quarters, my arms burning from my punishment of extra push ups, each guy passing me with a mixture of respect and pity on their faces. I limped towards my bed, crashing into it as my hand slid under the pillow, landing on my reminder of home. I eyed the familiar picture- the one I had looked at constantly since boot camp started five weeks ago._

" _I can't decide if you are one brave bastard or an ignorant jack ass." Tucker crashed in his bunk next to mine._

" _Maybe a mixture of both." I rolled onto my back, picture in hand as he laughed._

" _So, that girlfriend of yours- what would her opinion be?" He asked._

_I looked over as I sighed, hating to ever answer questions of my former life- but I gave in this time. Maybe it was how appropriate his question pertained to Veronica and me._

" _Probably the latter."_

" _Smart girl, I bet." He rolled to his side. "So with such opinions- how do you get her to stay with you?"_

_I groaned as I stood, placing the picture by my pillow as I pulled my shirt off. "I don't- she left me already. Afraid she just couldn't get over that ignorant jack ass side." I smirked, grabbing a towel from the shelf near us as I watched the look of shock take over my new friend's face._

_Tucker sat up now stunned. "Wait, she is your ex?" I nodded. "So then why on earth do you carry her picture around? Isn't that like defeating the purpose - depressing?" He picked up the picture, making me tense as he handled it, though I kept control._

" _Well depends on how you look at it. She broke my heart." I pointed to the picture. "If I could survive that - then there is no way I can't survive this stupid training for twelve weeks."_

" _It was that bad huh?" He placed it back where he found it._

" _Yeah- you could say that."_

 

* * *

 

_My head hit the pillow in a loud relief of a sigh, Carrie crashing next to me with a laugh, her pony tail whipping me in the face._

" _Tell me again why we do that?" She asked through heavy breath._

" _Cause the military has strict rules of being in tip top condition and running keeps me in such condition." I wiped at my brow._

" _Why did you join the military again?" She laughed louder, her unique cackle always made me return the gesture. It was very rare when I experienced it now days._

" _Some days I have no idea." I rolled to my side as she still stared at the ceiling, her brow glistening with sweat. She hummed now as she twirled her hair._

" _Well, it gives you endorphins too, right? And supposedly those make you happy. That is what I hear." She nervously nibbled her lip. "Maybe I should run more." She made a dry joke and I smirked in response when her brown eyes landed on mine. She paused for a moment as her introspection was evident. "Logan."_

" _Yeah." I responded to her vulnerable tone._

" _Can you ever think of a moment- like a moment where you were completely and genuinely happy? Like at total peace?"_

_I instantly smiled to the thoughts that filled my mind-ones of a tiny blonde girl who ruled my world a long time ago. My smile faded when my eyes registered back on the brown pair that were studying me. I was hesitant._

_"Uh, yeah of course." I brushed her hair bangs out of her eyes. "You?"_

" _Yeah. I mean, as you know- my childhood was pathetic. But I have like one specific day in my mind. It was Susan and me. We ditched school- and went to the beach. It was the most stupid day- we were just doing absolutely nothing." Her face crinkled with smile lines- dimples I never knew existed filled the creases near her mouth. She was genuinely happy._ " _So, what about you? What is your happy, perfect moment?"_

_I sucked in the light air around us, making it tense. "Ah, it is really nothing- Remember my childhood was no walk in the park either-" I deflected._

_She smirked now. "So Veronica was there- you can spill." She liked that she had figured me out, my face revealing how right she was._

" _Carrie-"_

" _Logan, stop being a baby. Go on." She laid down flat on her back._

" _Uh, well." I ran my hand along her arm. "It was similar to yours- it was freshman year of college. Veronica woke up in the most grumpy mood." I chuckled thinking of her scowling face, and the way her lip stuck out slightly. Carrie had a sickening expression at my response and I evened my face, deciding to leave out the details. "I suggested a road trip and she laughed in my face. I said we should ditch- and just explore. It was something we did a few times with Lilly and Duncan, right after Lilly got her license. Anyways- for some reason she caved. We got in the car and we drove absolutely no where- ending up at small stops along the highway. It was a pointless day- like yours. But it was just-"_

" _Your happy place." She said it with bittersweet feeling, the same emotion flooding me as I stared back at her._

" _Yeah, you could say that."_

 

* * *

 

_The night sky was always my favorite to fly in. It was like we were invisible, surging through the clouds with a speed all men dream of achieving. I locked in on my target as I approached it._

" _Come in. Duke has located target. Permission to engage. Over." I said into my radio._

" _Affirmative, Duke, you have permission. Over."_

" _Roger- ten four. Engaging target now. Out."_

_I descended the aircraft lower to get a better range, releasing the missile. The sudden wave of adrenaline that always filled me when I hit the trigger was present. They usually kept the details pretty hush, so we didn't have to live with all the guilt of knowing too much. It was our missions and part of war, but if there were people directly tied to the targeted buildings- they did not see that as necessary for us to have to handle._

" _This is Duke. The drop has been made. Over."_

_My screen lit with a warning, a strong tracking of another missile being aimed my way appearing. We had been drilled on this, plenty of my buddies had experienced it- but now I was in the aim of fire. I scrambled for the radio,_

" _This is Duke. The enemy has locked missile contact on me. Awaiting instructions. Over." The way my voice quivered was loud into the crackling radio, their reply more urgent._

" _Duke, this is Vulture. We see the target on your aircraft. It appears to be weak explosive. If it hits, keep going, it should not take your vessel down. Do you copy? Keep moving."_

_My hands shook as I blinked my eyes. "I copy."_

_I glanced to the place her picture normally would have been placed. The place that had been lonely this deployment as my loyalty kept me from engaging in the old ritual. Something about the looming tragedy now made me wish I was not so faithful. That if this were my last moments- however melodramatic it may seem- I wish I could have seen her again._

_I glanced to the screen the target still locked on to me strong._ " _Their hold on my vessel is still strong, sir." I radioed._

" _Keep going, Duke. And if hit, still keep moving. Remember your training." My commanding officer said with force into the radio. It was hard not to worry when they brought him on the line._

" _Yes, sir. Over."_

_I gripped the steering wheel, the boat coming in closer on my instruments, though it was still farther out than I hoped. My aircraft was close enough to land to keep their lock on me secure. The warning sounds filled the cockpit, the plane shaking like an earth quake as I held my hands steadily to the wheel._

" _Mayday, mayday. This is Duke. I have been hit. May day."_

" _Your instruments are still functioning. Keep on coming. You are close. Do you copy Duke?"_

" _I copy, sir." The wings began to tread through the air with more choppy precision, my control less and less as I could feel the machine began to slowly degenerate. I was just happy at the speed they traveled, the boat approaching more and more._

" _Duke, you see you are closing in now. Time for engaging your landing gear."_

" _Engaging landing gear now."_

_An updraft of wind came under the aircraft making it jolt up, my body tensing as I fought against what this vessel was designed to do. I needed her on the landing strip and soon._

_I could feel the landing gear release with even rougher force than usual as I spoke. "Requesting permission to land."_

" _Duke, you have permission. Over."_

_I braced myself for what I knew would be a bumpy landing, praying and hoping all the training would pay off as I landed without killing me or anyone else._

_I jolted forward as the wheels hit the strip, my head nearly meeting the front of the cock pit as the wheels spun out- screeching as they came to a halt, my hand still steadily on the gears as I controlled the breaks._

_I saw the flickers of sparks from the damaged plane as I sighed."This is Duke. The aircraft is landed. Over."_

" _Good job, Duke. See you on the inside." I could hear the relief in my leader's voice._

_I took my gear off as I let my finger graze her usual spot, swallowing hard as I crawled out of the cock pit. Now that I survived I felt the guilt trickle in on how my heart had betrayed me._

_Jeremy quickly met me at the entrance of the ship, hugging me tight._

" _I heard man. Are you okay?" He looked with concern and pity- he knew what that was like far too well._

_I nodded as I blew the air out my nose steadying my gaze at him. He could read the expression as he touched my shoulder._

_"It's funny what you see isn't- who you see- when you think it could be the end."_

_I nodded. What bothered me was - who I saw was not the person I should have. The girl in knee socks, the girl in skirts and preppy sweaters, the other version of combat boots and hoodies- I saw each portrayal of her- but never once did Carrie cross my mind._

 

* * *

 

_I came through the door holding up the bag of goodies._

" _Oh yes." She grabbed them from me as she dug through the grocery sack. "And you didn't forget the chocolate sauce." She grinned as she rushed toward the cabinets, her standing on the edge of her tip toes as she reached for bowls._

_I smiled feeling the overwhelming desire growing as her tantalizing skin peaked out from underneath her shirt, the delicious spot that made her gasp and laugh at the same time when my mouth hit it, showing. I wonder if it still produced the same reactions in her?_

_Her eyes were on me now as she curiously studied me. "Did you not hear me?" I tensed like she had literally stepped into my dirty train of thought._

_"I am sorry- what were you saying?"_

" _Do you want chocolate sauce or caramel sauce?"_

_I grabbed each one from the counter as I smiled wickedly, pouring them on my finger as she watched me. I touched her lip, and she laughed as the combination of sweetness covered her mouth now._

" _I say both." I leaned in now as I sucked each flavor from her full lips._

_She giggled at first, until my mouth moved more deliberately, her pulling back with heated expression as she took a breath. Her inquisitive side emerged again as she reached for the bottles squirting them at me in food fight style, me grabbing the can of whip cream as I retaliated. She cackled now as she ran away, her foot sliding in the slippery mess and I caught her- us both plummeting to the floor in laughter. I eyed the dessert toppings so temptingly placed on her neck as my glance turned into full desire, my mouth exploring every inch it had covered. And that was it, she melted right into me just like she always had._

 

* * *

 

Veronica rubbed her eyes, her stirring as she slowly opened them- catching me in my reflecting.

"What are you doing?" Her voice was filled with sleep in the cutest of ways.

"Just watching you." I smiled as I brushed her hair.

She curled closer now. "Don't- that is creepy." I laughed softly now, as I laid down, giving my elbow a break. "Can you not sleep?" Her voice was concerned though she was fighting drifting off again.

"Just got caught in my head- reflecting."

"On?" she yawned.

"You."

She smiled now as she nestled into the crook of my arm her breaths evenly dispersing as her body relaxed.

"Thank you, Veronica." I whispered, her body tensing under my grasp again as she stirred.

"For what?"

I leaned my lips to her ear, her hair softly tickling my nose- her sweet fragrance filling my senses. "For being my person."

She weakly smiled, her eyes still closed tight seeming to have complete understanding at all that implied. "Thank you."

"For?"

"For being mine."

I relaxed into the peaceful bliss that remained. Sure I knew that my days here were numbered- that I would be shipping off in the matter of days. But what was all that time ahead of us anyway? We had years of being marked permanently upon the other. There was no escaping each other- there was no relenting of our subconscious as it reminded us always of our need.

Truth was Veronica Mars had turned out to be the only person that never left me. Sure, she may have taken a break from physically being present- but she left me with enough memories to keep me hanging on for her return. And now - I had no doubt we could face anything.

I have had years of replaying all of the memories that collaborated into who I am today. Many came and went- some disappeared and some even died. Others let me down and some had stayed true. All I knew was that they each had a person directly tied to it- whether in childish fun, in teenage exploration, in loathing and in love- in missing and in heart break- Veronica had been there- in each little detail.

180 days? We've got this-


End file.
